Why yes, faithful reader(s), I am, indeed, alive!
Our forum blogroll has slowed down quite a bit, but there was a recent topic I was planning to blog about for Christmas, until I realized I had no idea what my username and password were here, anymore. But, thanks to the miracles of modern technology, I'm back! Woohoo!
Sooooo... the topic dujour is holiday memories. Since I'm not too creative, I'm going to post about this year. But, it starts a couple years ago.
Alex is a gamer, and he also enjoys music. Thus, Guitar Hero and Rock Band obsessions were inevitable. He even managed to get me involved! The inevitable result of a Guitar Hero addiction is, of course, the desire for an actual real life guitar. So, for the past year or so, he's been talking about guitars. He's been researching guitars, reading about guitars, boring me with guitars, telling me what kind of guitars all his favorite artists use, and squealing like an excited schoolgirl when faced with replicas of Stevie Ray Vaughn's guitar at Guitar Center :P
So, when the holidays came along, of course, he asked for a guitar. He weighed the odds in his favor, actually, by asking for a guitar or a surround sound system, knowing, in some subconscious way, that I'm not going to out out and buy fancy shiny electronics that have been designed with the specific goal of deafening me.
Of course, being me, I couldn't let on that I'd even considered a guitar. After 5 Christmases together, you'd think he would have figured out that I always get him what he asks for... but, being Alex, it didn't take much effort to keep him guessing! A guitar is too expensive, we'd have to buy all these accessories, too, if he sucks at it, I'll have wasted the money, and if he's good at it, a beginner guitar will start to look pretty crappy pretty fast. (okay, and to be honest, I wasn't entirely convinced myself).
Then, one day, I got a phone call from a very good friend of mine, Leah. She knew that I was struggling internally about this guitar problem. She was also moving to Texas in a few weeks, and purging things from her house, which led to her offer of a beautiful guitar, definitely nicer than the beginner guitars in my budget, for the low low price of $50. Yay guitar! The guitar (an Ibanez Cimar, if anyone is curious) is probably older than I am, but still in excellent shape. Her name is Martha.
After picking up the guitar, I was faced with a real problem. See, when you buy a guitar at a store, it comes in a box. Martha, however, came home with a stand, and a lovely soft guitar shaped bag. Hmmm.... This presents a definite problem - how do I wrap her?
The obvious solution, of course, being to turn her into a demented wrapping paper snowman angel:
(That big box in the background - Guitar Hero World Tour, my Christmas present)
Christmas morning, Alex wakes up, wanders to the front room, and comes running back to the bedroom. "What the hell is that? That's my present? You have to get up now!" I, of course, was tired from staying up all night turning Martha into a demented wrapping paper snowman angel, but, knowing that I could never resist such a temptation, I decided to humor him (plus, you know, it was Christmas, and I wanted presents!).
First, he opened his stocking, filled with homemade Rockstar kit plus various other Christmas goodies, including but not limited to:
Three bread rolls and a can of Coke (don't ask, he's a strange strange boy)
One can of Rockstar Energy drink
One red bandanna
One package of temporary tattoos
One mysterious sealed envelope
I enjoy confusing him :D
Next, he headed over to Martha. I only wish I'd had my camera ready, to capture the look on his face when he decapitated the demented wrapping paper snowman angel to find a guitar headstock sticking out of its neck. I'm pleased to announce that he is madly in love with Martha, didn't return the amp I picked out (which for some reason isn't classified as a fancy shiny electronic that has been designed with the specific goal of deafening me), and finally understood why I gave him temporary tattoos and Rockstar energy drink.
We named the amp George, and we've all lived happily ever after, and he can play at least 3 chords now :D
Oh, you're curious about the mysterious sealed envelope? Nosy nosy! Well, every true rockstar needs a rider for his ridiculous demands, and you can't really expect him to sit down on Christmas day and do all that work!
Steel Ferrets (his Guitar Hero band - this was big and colorful and cool, with wordart)
RE: Steel Ferrets
Dear Purchaser: Attached is a rider containing provisions to assure you of a smooth and professional theatrical presentation. All provisions are spelled out in great detail in order to prevent any misunderstandings and to present to your customers the finest in contemporary entertainment.
Any immediate questions can be answered by calling Steel Ferrets Productions at (773) 555-5555.
All provisions must be adhered to strictly. Please feel free to contact us at any time should there be any questions.
Looking forward to a successful show.
Sonia Otherfriend/Groupie Manager
Purchaser agrees to provide and pay for five (5) comfortable and private dressing rooms for Producer’s sole use. These rooms shall be clean, dry, and well-lit. Heat or air-conditioning shall be provided to maintain a pleasant temperature. All rooms must have electrical outlets. All rooms MUST be in the same building as the concert hall and ACCESSIBLE TO THE STAGE WITHOUT PASSING THROUGH AUDIENCE AREA.
All dressing rooms must be connected to clean lavatories, which contain toilets, sinks and whirlpool tubs, and are supplied with toilet paper, fresh bottles of Bath and Body Works Black Currant Vanilla Body Wash, towels (must match the room’s color theme), and garbage cans. Additionally, Mr. Texugo requires an assistant to keep his lavatory clean at all times, including but not limited to replenishing the toilet bowl with fresh flower petals after each flush.
Dressing rooms must be available by 12:00 noon on the date of the show, and must be large enough for the following uses and furnished as described:
1. Band Hospitality Room: Large size, where all required band refreshments should be placed, containing one (1) sofa, six (6) comfortable chairs, two (2) full-length mirrors, two (2) 6’x3’ (six foot by three foot) tables, and private lavatory. Band hospitality room must be painted blue, or draped with blue fabric.
2. Band Room: Large size, with electrical outlets, two (2) sofas, six (6) comfortable chairs, one (1) 6’x3’ (six foot by three foot) table, and private lavatory. Band room walls must be painted purple, or draped with purple fabric.
3. Tuning Room: Medium size, containing one (1) 6’x3’ (six foot by three foot) table, four (4) chairs, electrical outlets, and private lavatory. This room must be the same temperature as the stage area, within 5 degrees F. Tuning room walls must be painted green, or draped with green fabric.
4. Changing Room: Medium size, well lit, with two (2) full-length mirrors, one (1) twin sized or greater bed for Martha (Mr. Texugo’s guitar), and private lavatory. Changing room walls must be painted yellow, or draped with yellow fabric.
5. Crew Room: Large, team-size, of comfortable temperature, with electrical outlets, tables and chairs, and private lavatory. Refreshments for Producer’s crew will be served here throughout the day. Crew room must be painted puce, or draped with puce fabric.
FOOD REQUIREMENTS (BAND)
Purchaser shall be provided in the Band Hospitality Room one (1) hour prior to show time, unless otherwise specified, the following refreshments and supplies. When not specified, quantities should be sufficient for four (4) people.
Cold Drinks (on ice)
One (1) case Guinness beer (bottles – Absolutely NO Rocket Wickets!)
One (1) large bottle Bailey’s
Six (6) glass pint glasses
Four (4) cases Cherry Coke Zero
One (1) case Coke Classic
Six (6) bottles XXX Vitamin Water
Three (3) gallons Fiji bottled water
Various crackers, foods, and aged sheeps milk cheese
Palermo’s Pizza, delivered fresh – sausage, onion, mushroom, green pepper
Red Skittles – absolutely no other colors!
Supplies for making beef tacos, as well as a personal chef to prepare said tacos
A selection of ice creams, including peanut butter cup
Beer can chicken
One (1) lb fine dark chocolate, at least 90%
Fat Free deep dish pepperoni pizza
One (1) case Goobers Candy
Mr. Texugo requires that there be a basket of puppies available backstage at every concert. After the show, the Purchaser is responsible for finding said puppies a safe and secure home.
Under no circumstances are venue employees to make eye contact with Mr. Texugo.
One experienced food tester must be available at all times, to prevent food tampering or inferior replacement foods.
One (1) 60” (sixty inch) plasma television, with Wii, Xbox 360, Playstation 3, and Atari, with a variety of popular games.
Each band room should have at least one (1) guitar pick polishing machine.
Dressing rooms must be decorated for any current holidays, including but not limited to Christmas, New Years, Grandparents’ day, Talk Like a Pirate Day, St. Patrick’s Day, and the Lithuanian Independence Day.
Mt. Texugo’s dressing room must be kept continually stocked with six (6) four-gallon tanks, each containing 16 sea monkeys. The artist also requires a varied selection of petrified wood and dark blue candles.
Finally, Mr. Texugo CAN NOT PERFORM the Christmas tour without a minimum of 12 drummers drumming, 11 pipers piping, 10 lords a-leaping, 9 leprous leopards, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 golden rings, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtledoves, and a partridge in a pear tree available at ALL times!
Failure to fulfill the terms of this rider will be considered breach of contract, and the Purchaser will be fined accordingly, no less than $5000.