Monday, July 27, 2009

SO Impatient!

I'm using this space to rant for a minute, since I want to let off some steam, and nobody reads this thing anyway ;) If you are actually reading, this is mostly long and angsty, so feel free to skip it :P

Alex and I have been a couple for over 6 years. We've been friends for close to 12, and we've always known (ALWAYS) that we'd end up together. Before there were ever romantic feelings, we knew it. Don't know why, don't know how, but we did. Most of our friends knew it, too.

So why, after 12 years of knowing, after 6 years as a couple, is he being such a damn slacker about proposing? Aargh! I'm totally confident about his commitment, but I'm getting pretty damned impatient. What is he waiting for? We've discussed wedding plans. Hell, we've named our future kids. There's no question of me not saying yes. He knows this. It's not like engagement means we have to run out and get married tomorrow - with the length of time it takes to plan a wedding in Chicago, it'll be summer of 2011 before we manage a wedding. And since I hope to be teaching at the time, summer really is the ideal time for a wedding.

The longer it takes, the more frustrated I am. I've tried talking to him about it, but he's just stuck. The inertia has taken over, things are pretty good how they are, so why change? He wants the proposal to be perfect, the ring to be perfect, he's waiting for us to suddenly not be broke, lazy losers so we fit this strange ideal image, or something, and I do understand, and I've been very very patient. But it's TIME. The longer he waits, the worse it's gonna be when he does it. My reaction won't be "Squee! OMG! I'm getting married!!!!" It's gonna be "About fucking time!" Somehow, I don't think that fits into his picture of a perfect proposal.

Everywhere I look, people are getting engaged. Couples who have been together for a year, they're getting engaged. Women who I've seen go through four boyfriends in the few years I've known them are getting engaged. The women in my situation, who have been waiting for the stars to align or something, they're getting engaged. People I didn't even know were in relationships are getting engaged.

I was 20 when we started dating. I'm going to be 27 this year. Which means I'm going to be 28 or 29, if I'm lucky, when we get married. I've gone from barely out of my teens, to almost 30, and nothing has changed. No forward movement. I'm stagnating. And I've gotten to the point where, when people ask how long we've been together, there's a part of me that wants to lie through my teeth, and tell them a year. I feel like people look at me and think "poor girl. All that time, and she still thinks he's gonna propose one day...." I know it's not true, and I know none of my friends are actually thinking that, or anything like it, but I still feel like they are. It's embarassing. I feel like I'm being strung along, and when I bring it up to him, all I get is "be patient." Or maybe some cryptic reference to him having a plan. Well, guess what? It's been 6 years, and I've been pretty damn patient. I can't even make ultimatums, because it wouldn't work (he knows I'm not going anywhere), and because if it did, I'd feel like he agreed because I made him, not because he wanted to.

What a jerk. I don't know why I put up with this shit.


K said...

If its inevitable, just start planning. H and I didn't get officially engaged until AFTER we confirmed our reception venue. I mean really - do you (general you) actually need an engagement? I'm sure you'd like one, but if its a financial thing, I personally feel you can come back to it somewhere down the path of planning :)

OR - propose to him?

RainhaDoTexugo said...

Proposing to him won't work. It's one of the few things in life that he considers a guy thing, and he'd just feel cheated if I propose. I've done some looking around online, but I know I'll be getting wedding money from my family, and I won't know how much until it's official planning time. It's hard to plan if you have no idea what your budget is...